This will be a special book. A first edition like no other. I will sign it. I will draw on it and paint on it and cover it in strange forms dredged from the depths of my psyche. I will open each copy and SCREAM INTO IT to infuse the pages with my SPIRIT AND SPIT.
There will be madness. There will be blood. (There probably won't be blood.) Each book will be very, very unique.
I will do all of this 500 times. Each copy will be NUMBERED, just like your days.
No other author will do this for you. NO OTHER AUTHOR WILL SCREAM INTO YOUR BOOK. No other author loves you like I do.
I WILL EVEN SHIP THESE INTERNATIONALLY!
Yes, my foreign friends, you can finally get what you've been asking about for years. I will painstakingly write out your long, weird addresses and carry the packages to the post office and wait in line and fill out customs forms and it will be miserable and agonizing but I WILL DO IT FOR YOU.
These books will take a while to create and package and I can make no promises on when they'll be delivered. With my own stained hands I will send group shipments WHENEVER I DECIDE IT'S TIME. Please understand this uncivilized contract you are signing and do not trouble me with customer service issues. Do not ask to speak to the manager. The Manager does not exist. We are alone here in the digital abyss with only our love for a raft. Thank you for being alive.